Monologue
People view me as a pillar of stone,
An enduring rock, infallible, immovable,
a will of steel, unyielding.
No one sees beyond the facade:
“You’re so smart”
“Everything comes easily to you”
“Oh, please! YOU’RE worried about YOUR grade?
I worry constantly. I am unsure. I check and recheck
And redo, and revise, then check again.
I’m always displeased. Incompetent. Insecure. Insufficient. Redo.
“I’ll probably fail the test, flunk the course”
“I’m right?? Oh joy!”
“Come on! You didn’t really have a doubt”
Doubt? I’m riddled with doubt.
I doubt my intelligence, my capabilities, my looks, my opinions.
I’m sure of my opinions, I’ll stand by them, but
Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m just being unreasonable?
I flog myself for mistakes. Rub salt over my own inadequacies.
I expect so much. I have so little faith.
I’m getting old. I can see the wrinkles forming around my eyes.
I hate my hair. It never does as it’s told.
I don’t like what I see in the mirror anymore.
Actually I never have.
There are days where I think I look great,
But more days where I feel…
Dissatisfied.
Always striving for perfection. So far from perfect.
I love singing, I’m good at it, I write good songs!
I sound like a frog, my lyrics are childish.
And what if my music is copied, plagiarized?!
I’ll do it next week, next year, when I finish school, when I have money.
I can’t do it, I don’t have what it takes, I have no talent,
I’ll be laughed off stage.
I constantly question and second-guess myself,
I spend every free minute improving things I was already “done with”,
I am the eternal pessimist when it comes to me,
But to others I’ll always be:
“Little Ms. Perfect”
